Midweek game weeks are always the worst, especially in the dog days of August when all I wanna do on a Wednesday is go home, drink a RumHamm’s and get ready to record a podcast. Then I have to pay attention to crap soccer, gross, at least we have all of the teams playing this wee…. oh nevermind. As I was writing this Mother Nature decided to punk all over Houston and Sporking and they cancelled the match. Which in hindsight is probably a good idea because no ones want to watch soccer in a hurricane, except some sort of masochist.
New York Red Bulls v NYCFC – Didn’t these assholes just play each other like two weeks ago? Googles Bread Bowls… okay so they played like three weeks ago. Fuck, the Hudson River Derby is played more than El Clasico, at least with El Clasico we actually get to watch good soccer. Anyways, New York will be purple tonight because this ends in a 1-1 draw!
DC United v New England Revolution – DC United won midweek 1-0. In fact that is the second match they’ve won without actually scoring a goal. That’s some high quality DC soccerballing! Let’s just say the Revolution have probably watched the tapes and shoot themselves in the dick, but we’d probably be lying to ourselves because, you know, New England. DC United wins 2-0 (2 NE OGs).
Philadelphia Union v Atlanta United – Oh goodie, our first two matches on Saturday feature 4 of the 5 teams below the red line. This is the very first match between these two teams and Atlanta very first opportunity to beat the hell out of the Union in Philly, an annual tradition for most MLS teams. Atlanta wins 3-1.
Orlando City SC v Vancouver Whitecaps – And there’s the other team behind the Red Line in the East. Orlando opened up their season absolutely dominating at home, but apparently that magic derailed as they have scored fewer than goals at home than 18 other MLS teams. The Whitecaps have been surprisingly competent on the road and have more to play for ending August! Whitecaps win 2-1.
Columbus Crew v FC Dallas – A tale of two seasons for both of these teams. The Crew started out slow and it looked like this might be another lost season for the Columbus team, however they have turned it around and are currently fourth in the Eastern Conference. FC Dallas, on the other hand, started out by basically allowing no fucking goals. Since then it has all fallen apart for the Burn their run of form is better than only a handful of MLS teams. When you give up three goals to Houston at home you lose all of my respect! Crew win 3-1.
Chicago Fire v MNUFC – I’m going to say something pretty crazy bonkers here. The Chicago Fire have been worse than the Loons the last six matches. It’s fucking true! Now, that being said, this is Minnesota so let’s not jump to conclusions. If there is a better palette cleanser than DC United for teams it’s been the Loons. But here’s the thing, there are 270+ Dark Clouds and TNE folks going down to Chicago, plus your truly humble writer will be wearing this:
Loons win 3-2!
Houston Dynamo v Sporking KC – Cancelled (God). God hates Nickelback and Sporking KC!
Real Salt Lake v Colorado Rapids – The Rocky Mountain Derby. This is RSL’s second home match of the week and the Rapids second road match. Real Salt Lake rolls 4-0.
Montreal Impact v Toronto FC – Talk about two teams peaking. The Impact haven’t dropped points in August. Meanwhile Toronto FC haven’t dropped points since July 1st! TFC looks like they are going to roll their way to the Supporters Shield this match will be a road bump on the way to that 2-2 draw.
LA Galaxy v San Jose Earthquakes – Another Caliclasico and both of these teams are crap, the Galaxy extra crap at home, must be all of those American football guys stinking up the locker room. This has all the makings of a boring ass 0-0 draw.
Seattle Sounders v Portland Timbers – Oh good another derby, what an amazing Heineken Rivalry Week this was! Seattle is probably the hottest team in the West, but, that’s kinda what happens when you get to play Minnesota twice in three weeks. The Timbers are 3-1-1 in their last five, but that loss was to Toronto on the road. Seattle at home inevitably will prove to be too much. Seattle wins 3-2.
And there we go, all of your hot weekend action. We decided to go back to the Trump picture because apparently we are living in the end times gang! Cherish all of the soccer you can watch before now and the upcoming nuclear winter. Ya never know when it’ll all go up in flames!