Welcome to Part 2 of our click-baiting attempt to capitalize on those sweet, sweet, Thronebucks by making some terrible comparisons between MLS and the various factions of the world of Game of Thrones. Part 1, wherein I examine the Western Conference, can be found here.
Who shall sit upon the Pigskin Throne?
Toronto FC: They live in the far north, they’re an unstoppable force of devastation, and they have legions of mindless followers.
Verdict: The White (Red, I guess) Walkers.
New York City FC: Rich as fuck and opulent as hell, or possibly rich as hell and opulent as fuck, but their wealth doesn’t make them weak. They live in a commercial hub and they have a habit of making loans, but they always come to collect.
Verdict: The Free City of Braavos.
Philadelphia Union: They both have a fondness for rebellion and serpent imagery, and for a time it seemed like they could impact the balance of power across the land. Now, not so much.
Verdict: The Sand Snakes
Chicago Fire: At one point great, then reduced to rubble, but now making a comeback. They’re also literally called “Fire.”
Verdict: House Targaryen of Dragonstone.
Montreal Impact: Another bunch of Northerners. They live on an island and they’ve got lots of bears in the vicinity. Furthermore, they pack an outsized punch for their relatively meager payroll. You know who else packs a lot of badass into a small package? Lyanna goddamn Mormont.
Verdict: House Mormont of Bear Island
Atlanta United FC: An oasis of civilization surrounded on all sides by a blasted wasteland, the wealth of this seemingly influential team from warmer climes turns out to be more for show than any real substance.
Verdict: The City of Qarth
Columbus Crew SC: This team builds identity around no king, no lord. Instead, they are a brotherhood, a community of individuals from different walks of life who all come together. That being said, they’re still willing to sell out for a fat stack of cash.
Verdict: The Brotherhood Without Banners
Orlando City SC: They’ve got gold bricks laying around the place, based on how much they’re paying their players, and they live in the South. And, uh, they’re both not doing so hot lately.
Verdict: House Tyrell of Highgarden
New England Revolution: They closely guard the northern border and do well on their own turf, but fare poorly when they venture elsewhere. Haven’t been properly manned in (what feels like) centuries.
Verdict: The Night’s Watch.
New York Red Bulls: They’ve got a lot of pride, resources, and a pugilistic attitude, but ultimately they don’t accomplish as much as you would expect. Also, they both like the color red.
Verdict: House Tarly of Horn Hill
D.C. United: An ancient force. Once, they were powerful, but those days are long gone. Now they are dead and all that remains are crude engravings on bathroom walls.
Verdict: The Children of the Forest