Fuck Your Group of Death!

Alright gang, it’s finally here the 2017-18 UEFA Champion’s League! This is the 26th version of this tournament in it’s current iteration and hoo boy, this one is a doozy!

We’ve already had a couple of surprises. Arsenal failed to qualify for the tournament for the first time in 21 years and for the first time ever there will be five! English teams in the Group Stage for the first time ever, thanks to Manchester United punting the EPL season and getting that blessed Mourinho treble last year!

We’ve already had a pretty amazing group qualification where the 4th German side, Hoffenheim, got worked by Liverpool and knocked down to Europa (Thank god I don’t have to write about Europa!)

So let’s look at each group make fun of all of the teams and predict your Knockout Round qualifiers. For reference check out the Champions League wikipedia page for all the matches and links to rosters and shit.

Group A

Arguably the easiest path that Manchester United could possibly have to get to the Knockout Round.

Switzerland Basel – I’ll still never forgive these Swiss assholes for knocking Liverpool out of the Champions League several years ago. Fuck you Switzerland!

Portugal Benfica – Benfica always seems to be here so I guess that’s good for them. There most recent claim to fame was David Luiz playing 131 matches with the club. So I guess good for them.

Russia CSKA Moscow – All you need to know that this was the team of the Soviet Union during the communist era, Roman Abrahamovic’s corporation was a major sponsor and the Ministry of Defence is a shareholder. Fuck this team!

England Manchester United – You know what, I take it back, fuck this team. Fuck Mourinho, Fuck Zlatan (actually not), Fuck Manchester!

Who qualifies? Manchester United wins the group and Benfica sneaks in as well.

Best Match: Benfica hosting Basel on the last matchday, this could be the match to qualify!

Fun Fact: Jose Mourinho likes to sniff his own farts and has invented a butt hose to do just that!

Group B

Otherwise known as the group where it sucks to be a Belgian or Scottish fan.

France Paris Saint-Germain – Your club is owned by a fucking country, go fuck right off! Although this is probably the most entertaining team in the tournament.

Germany Bayern Munich – Hahahahahahahahaha, I have no sympathy for this fucking team.

Belgium Anderlecht – Their team colors are purple and white. I have literally zero problems with this team!

Scotland Celtic – Brendan Rodgers is a terrible, terrible person. Fuck Brendan Rodgers!

Who qualifies? Bwahahahahahahah

Best Match: Bayern hosting PSG on 12/5 is probably for top spot in the group

Fun Fact: Brendan Rodgers once said this: “I’ve always said that you can live without water for many days, but you can’t live for a second without hope.” No really he actually fucking said that! God I hate Brendan Rodgers.

Group C

Better known as the “Wait we gotta fucking travel to Azerbaijan group?!”

Spain Atlético Madrid – This team has been known as Los Colchoneros (The Mattress Makers). This team is dumb.

England Chelsea – Hey the Farewell Antonio Conte tour has gotten off to a rip-roaring good start. It’s gonna be really fun watching Conte manage Europa League matches, presuming he makes it to January.

Azerbaijan Qarabağ – Hey, we’re just happy to be here!

Italy Roma – I think people are sleeping on Roma, which, I guess is good for Roma!

Who qualifies? Atletico and Roma. Haha fuck you Chelsea (Ed. The author really hates Chelsea)

Best Match: Chelsea and Roma play twice in two weeks (10/18 & 10/31). That should determine who finishes behind Madrid.

Fun Fact: Edin Džeko is fun to say!

Group D

This group is gonna be hella fun and arguably one of the tougher groups!

Portugal Sporting CP – Sporting is probably best known for, at least recently, for developing Luis Figo and some dude you may have heard of called Cristiano Ronaldo

Spain Barcelona – Their fans hate their club President, they just sold their best player to PSG, their all-time greatest player probably isn’t signing a contract extension… ya know, death comes for us all.

Italy Juventus – Champions League Runners-up last year, actually got worse this year. However when walking sex god Gianluigi Buffon is between the sticks you always have a chance!

Greece Olympiacos – I once saw this team play at TCF stadium on shitty grass.

Who qualifies? In spite of Barcelona’s troubles it’s hard to write them off, so Barca and Juve advance.

Best Match: Sporting CP host Barcelona on the second match day. If they can get three points perhaps they can convince themselves they have a shot!

Fun Fact: Sporting CP has six European trophies in roller hockey! (Who knew that was a fucking thing? I need to get my hockey playing ass to Europe!)

Group E

Better known as the “How in the holy fuck is Liverpool going to screw this one up” group.

Spain Sevilla – Sevilla doesn’t fuck around with other sporting pursuits like most of the Spanish teams. Their sole focus is futbol and the Los Rojiblancos have been very good at it. Plus their kits are simple and perfect

Slovenia Maribor – The fuck is a Maribor?

Russia Spartak Moscow – One of their nicknames is Myaso (Meat). As much as Russia sucks ass pretty much all the time, I gotta respect a nickname like Meat!

England Liverpool – Full disclosure this is my team and the team of several of the Daves. That being said of course this team is going to travel to Slovenia and Russia and probably drop 5 of the 6 possible points making this slog to the end of group stage qualification, really, really fucking irritating!

Who qualifies? If Liverpool doesn’t win this group there might be an out and out revolt at the Merseyside. And let’s say Sevilla comes in second.

Best Match: Probably not the best match but for LFC fans like myself the most nerve-wracking match is the first one at Anfield against Sevilla. If this team comes out as they are wont to do and concede early, things might get really emo at Anfield!

Fun Fact: Spartak Moscow is bull that will crush you.

Group F

If Liverpool got the best English draw, Manchester City got the second best.

Italy Napoli – Napoli is the fifth most valuable club in Italy which is like being the most valuable Canadian Football League franchise.

Netherlands Feyenoord – Honestly I got nothing against Feyenoord. The Dutch league is kinda fucked right now (basically they have become the Southampton of European football). Ajax just failed to qualify for a European competition for the first time in like 64 years! The Dutch National Team is a fucking mess. RIP Total Football.

England Manchester City – I love my wife and cherish my marriage too much to say something bad about Man City. <cough> Pep’s overrated <cough>

Ukraine Shakhtar Donetsk – I also really go no beefs with Ukranian football. The Ukranian people are getting fucked by Putin and I support anybody who hates Putin!

Who qualifies? Man City and I don’t know throw a fucking dart at a board.

Best Match: None, there are literally no good matches in this group!

Fun Fact: Pep Guardiola is actually not a good football coach.

Group G

Wait, what?

Turkey Beşiktaş – The team is nicknamed the Black Eagles and that is badass!

Germany RB Leipzig – RasenBallsport Leipzig got a surprisingly friendly draw in their first ever Champions League. This team is owned by Red Bull have you ever drank a Red Bull? That shit is vile!

France Monaco – Poor Monaco, all their good players want to leave, also you know what, fuck that shit! No one gets to feel sorry for a club that has an Ultras group that consists of multi-millionaires. Fuck Monaco!

Portugal Porto – Porto is the only non Big 4 team to win the Champions League since Ajax in 94/95. Porto’s win was in 03/04 right before the miraculous Liverpool comeback! So I guess root for Porto?

Who qualifies? RB Leipzig and Beşiktaş I guess?

Best Match: This is a super balanced group with no one, outside of Leipzig, too worried about CL qualification for next year, so all of these matches should be pretty entertaining

Fun Fact: Red Bull will in fact give you herpes, not wings.

Group H

Dortmund gets drawn into a group with Real once again because God hates Dortmund!

Germany Borussia Dortmund – Dortmund has the largest club stadium in the world and have the highest average attendance, they also sing You’ll Never Walk Alone so these guys are good by me!

Spain Real Madrid – These guys have won the Champions League two years in a row, fuck them!

Cyprus APOEL – This is a Greek football team so they will probably be boring as shit.

England Tottenham Hotspur – Hey Spurs, tell me how Europa tastes!

Who qualifies? Dortmund and Real Madrid, in that order, for once.

Best Match: Matchday 6 features Real Madrid hosting Dortmund at the Santiago Bernabéu. This one should determine who wins the group.

Fun Fact: Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t actually have an anus.

Whoa baby, that’s a lot of info, but now you know all you need to know and you got some banter for your local Beşiktaş fan. If you wanna watch Liverpool matches I’ll be either at the Dubliner or Nomad here in the beautiful Twin Cities.

Nothing better than day drinking and being disappointed by your football team!

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