It feels like forever since I’ve gotten to write one of these for an MLS team. Where was the trash talk of Chicago? I’m a busy man and this isn’t a paid gig. Mind your own business. All that matters is that I’m here and ready to tear into one of the only games that Minnesota circled on the calendar as one that could make them look like a competent soccer team. Self own! Let’s get to it!
As Dwight Schrute so astutely observed: “Philadelphia. From the Greek ‘phila’ meaning ‘love,’ and ‘adelph’ meaning ‘Adolf.’ The city that loves Adolf.” That’s right folks, we’re playing those Adolf-loving snakes from Philadelphia, the Union. From all accounts (okay, just one – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) this city is a dump. You’ve got hobos jerking off in alleyways, factories that are fronts for North Korean espionage, and crab people living in boxes under bridges. Guess where the Union’s stadium was built? Stop bragging about all the history and the things you were first in. Congratulations on being near the East Coast and in one of the Thirteen Colonies. Did you know Philadelphia was the first capital of the United States before it moved? So your city was too shitty for even politicians and they had to relocate? Where do I catch the tour bus?!
The nicest thing you can say about the actual club is that it has a semi-heartwarming origin story. The Sons of Ben supporter group was formed before the team to demonstrate the city’s interest in getting an MLS expansion team. Eventually a group of rich people bought the land where their stadium is and became the owners of the Union. Relying on the rich to do things for you is always a nice message to the kids. And a bang-up job they’re doing running this team, by the way. Two playoff appearances in seven years and a sub .500 record against all three clubs they consider rivals.
This would have been a really good team five to ten years ago when their players were in their collective prime, but is now just a retirement home for old USMNT players. Everyone the average MLS fan would recognize on this team (minus CJ Sapong) is 30 or older. If Philadelphia Union was a rocking chair in an old folks home, Alejandro Bedoya, Charlie Davies, Maurice Edu, Oguchi Onyewu, and Chris Pontius would all be taking turns sitting and talking about their days in the service and how much penicillin they needed.
Neither of these teams is going to make the playoffs, but every United win makes Grant Wahl look dumber and I, for one, think that’s reason enough to go out and hang four or five on these idiots.