Well we meet again you cruel mistress MLS. After an international break that, let’s charitably say was, less than good for the USMNT, we get a full slate of hot sexy man on man MLS action. Which is to say we have one, maybe two good matches this weekend.
Chicago Fire v New York Red Bulls – The Fire got back to winning ways last weekend after suffering the ignominy of being MNUFC’s first ever road win the week before. The Red Bulls haven’t won a match in MLS since August 12th. Expect a slugfest in the Chicagoland cow pastures. This one feels like a 2-2 Draw.
Toronto FC v San Jose Earthquakes – Toronto FC are still on an absolute tear, six points clear of NYCFC and in the driver’s seat for the Supporters Shield (a trophy no none except the fan base that wins it cares about). The Earthquakes are on the outside looking in for playoffs. That should remain the same after this match. Toronto FC wins 3-0.
NYCFC v Portland Timbers – But for Toronto, NYCFC would be the best team in the league. The Timbers have regained their form and are second in the Western Conference currently. Portland’s road form, however, leaves a lot to be desired and NYCFC hasn’t lost at home since April. Expect NYCFC to roll 3-1 in an actually fun match to watch.
DC United v Orlando City SC – In terms of form, this is the worst match of the weekend. Please for the love of god, even if you support these teams do not watch this match! DC United wins 2-1.
New England Revolution v Montreal Impact – The Impact, who had been on a good run of form, have lost their last two and fallen below the red line. The Revolution absolutely have to win this match if they have any hope of catching Atlanta and Montreal who sit directly above them in the table. It ain’t happening Revs fans, just like your cheating football team you will get your asses kicked. Montreal wins 1-2.
MNUFC v Philadelphia Union – First ever meeting between Minny and Philly. Losing to the Union at home is an actual fireable offense. If Heath loses this is a good page for him to bookmark. MNUFC wins 3-1.
Houston Dynamo v Colorado Rapids – The Dynamo have been very good at home, like very, very good. They have yet to lose at home and I don’t expect that to change this week. The Rapids have only scored five goals on the road, by far the worst in the league. Calling a clean sheet on this one is a better bet than a wifebeater beating a racist. Dynamo win 2-0.
Vancouver Whitecaps v Real Salt Lake – The Whitecaps have played themselves right into playoff contention. RSL are trying to do the same but still need to leap the Earthquakes to get just below the red line. This is a huge six point match for both teams. RSL has the hottest away form right now and they need a win, desperately. Expect Petke to go for it, especially considering he has the most impatient owner in the league. RSL wins 2-3.
Columbus Crew v Sporting KC – Sporking is coming off a midweek loss in the Bronx and travel to a revitalized Crew. The Crew are back in the playoff picture after a rough start to the season and 4-0-0 at home since losing to Atlanta on July 1st. Sporking have taken more points on the road than they’ve given up and are still chasing the #1 seed in the West. This one has all the trappings of lost points on both sides of the ball. 1-1 Draw.
Atlanta United v FC Dallas – Atlanta are trying to draw their way to finishing out of the playoffs in the East. FC Dallas is trying to lose their away out the playoffs in the West. Unstoppable force meet immovable object. Atlanta United wins 2-1.
Seattle Sounders v LA Galaxy – I’m sure the MLS script writers expected this match to have a lot of consequences when they scheduled it back in January. Quite the contrary, over their last 10 Seattle is 6-4-0 and the hottest team in the league. The Galaxy on the other hand are 1-1-8, literally the worst team in the league during that time. Even the Galaxy’s one saving grace, their road form, has failed them of late. Sigi Schmid comes back to CenturyLink for the first time as an opposing coach and will proceed to get curb stomped by the likes of Jordan Morris and Clint Dempsey. Seattle wins 3-0.
And there you have it. Week 27 in the books with all of the goals and complete non-goals. Also it’s like one of the nicest weekends of the year (if you don’t live in Florida), so why the hell are you going to burden yourself by watching shit soccer. If you love yourself and your family go to the park or a patio and enjoy an adult beverage, unless your in Florida, then good luck.