Sexy European Roundup: Sunday, Sunday Edition

Well that was a pretty shitty weekend for the Daves. A tough but deserved red for Sadio Mane completely changed the complexion of the Manchester City – Liverpool match and a bunch of blowouts made the weekend almost unbearable. At least Manchester United dropped points at Stoke City.

Last Weekend

Hamburg 0 v 2 RB Leipzig – You should mostly just watch the highlight of Naby Keita with an absolute fucking rocket! I basically had an orgasm watching that while anticipating next year and him rocketing those in for Liverpool!

Manchester City 5 v 0 Liverpool – Speaking of absolutely terrible fucking teams, Liverpool absolutely shat the bed against Man City on Saturday morning. A harsh, but fair, red card to Sadio Mane caused the Liverpool team to unravel, but let’s be fair: the next two goals were on balls passed straight through the middle of the Liverpool defense and even down to ten men, you can’t get worked through the middle of the field like that!

Everton 0 v 3 Tottenham – Speaking of thrashings, Spurs leave the friendly confines of Wembley and a Harry Kane brace propels them to a 3-0 win at Goodison Park. Spurs fans breathed a sigh of relief as the calendar changed to September and therefore Harry Kane can start scoring goals, which Spurs fans will need as they face a daunting Champions League group match against Dortmund at the horror that is Wembley. Everton, on the other hand, face a trip to Italy and a Europa clash with Atalanta.

Nice 4 v 0 Monaco – Super Mario Balotelli scored two as Nice absolutely thrashed AC Monaco, snapping a winning streak of 16 matches in Ligue 1 and sealing the title for PSG with fewer than 30 matches left to left to play.

Hoffenheim 2 v 0 Bayern Munich – Bayern sit fifth after a pretty eventful loss at Hoffenheim, their second in as many chances. For some reason Hoffenheim has Munich’s number at home. Mark Uth scored twice and, yes, no one knows who in the fuck is Mark Uth. Hoffenheim hosts Portugese side Braga in Europa League on Thursday and Bayern hosts Belgian side Anderlecht in Champions League on Tuesday.

Barcelona 5 v 0 Espanyol – Barca continued their perfect start to the domestic campaign with a drubbing of Espanyol in the Catalan Derby. They are four points clear of Real Madrid thanks to Messi’s hat trick and Pique and Suarez bagging one each late, Suarez in his 2017 debut. Maybe the obituaries written about Barcelona were a bit premature.

Lazio 4 v 1 AC Milan – Speaking of premature ejaculation, all of the AC Milan fans who thought they were going to challenge Juventus for the title, let alone compete for a Champions League spot in Italy this year. Ciro Immobile did Milan dirty with a hat trick in a match delayed an hour by rain in Italy. Lazio hopes to keep this form as they travel to Vitesse in the Netherlands. Milan travel to Wien in Austria on Thursday, as well.

What’s on Tap?


Leipzig v Monchengladbach – Leipzig is taking on Monchengladbach after a disappointing 1-1 draw against AC Monaco in their Champions League debut. Borussia finished a disappointing 9th last year and, after 3 matches are currently sitting in 9th place. This is an important early season match and grabbing points at Leipzig would be huge for Monchengladbach’s chances of getting back into Europe next year. Leipzig will be looking to continue their good run of Bundesliga form.

Bayern Munich v Mainz – Bayern currently sits in 6th place in the Bundesliga but they got their Champions League off to a great start with a 3-0 win over Anderlecht at the Allianz. However there is some consternation as Robert Lewandoski has sowed some seeds of discontent. Mainz started off with two 1-0 losses but took down Leverkusen last weekend 3-1.


Not a ton of great matches on Saturday, but hoo boy, we got some doozies on Sunday!

Chelsea v Arsenal – Arsenal has shaken off their back to back defeats with a 3-0 dismantling of Bournemouth and a 3-1 win at the Emirates vs Köln. Weirdly, or maybe not weirdly, 20,000 Köln fans took over the streets of London on Thursday delaying the game over an hour. Chelsea have looked every bit the Title Contender since their opening weekend loss to Burnley at Stamford Bridge. Oh yeah and Arsenal haven’t won at Chelsea in over six years. London Derby indeed!

PSG v Lyon – Paris Saint-Germain look every bit the juggernaut we thought they’d be. Neymar, Mbappe, and Cavani have looked fluid and dynamic with no seams showing. They have not failed all year to score at least three goals in all of their matches and the real question is can anybody beat them in Ligue 1. Lyon have not played poorly, but could only manage a 1-1 draw in Cyprus against Apollon.

Manchester United v Everton – Welcome back Wayne! Wayne Rooney returns to Old Trafford for the first time as a visitor. Pretty sure he’ll avoid the whiskey drink and vodka drink before the match. The actual main story here though should be is Everton actually good? Everton are currently in 16th place. They did grab a draw against Man City in the campaigns second weekend, but since then they have failed to win a match including losing to Chelsea, at home against Tottenham and then being absolutely destroyed in Italy by Atalanta. A trip to Old Trafford will probably not help salve the wounds.

Dortmund v Köln – Dortmund are top of the Bundesliga but the last week hasn’t been great. Thue could only manage a 0-0 draw at Freiburg last weekend and then lost 3-1 to Tottenham on Wednesday at Wembley. Dortmund could really use a win to start building up some momentum before Real Madrid comes to town in a couple of weeks. Köln brought basically all of their fans to the Emirates on Thursday and jumped out to a 1-0 lead before eventually capitulating and losing 3-1. Köln is currently bottom of the Bundesliga Table and have yet to win a game in the league.

Well there you go. No need to get up super early on Saturday, but make sure you are all set for Sunday as there should be some hella good matches that day.

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