Fresh off of Game of Thrones, it’s time to turn to the next major geek event: the launch of the popular game Destiny 2. Now, there are plenty of places you could go to read about the story, the gameplay, the meta, the PVP, quests, secrets, and lore.
This is not that place.
Instead, I’m going to talk to you about the most important aspect of Destiny 2: Destiny soccer.
That’s right, if you didn’t already know, Destiny 2’s social space known as The Farm features a quaint setup for some old-school backyard football. And, y’know, space magic, I guess. If you’ve read anything else about Destiny soccer, forget it. They’re all wrong.
Also, while I’ll try to avoid anything major, consider this your spoiler warning. Nerds.
You need to have unlocked The Farm in order to boot the leather around, which means you need to slog your way through literally two whole story missions. TWO. Damn, Bungie, why you gotta do me like that? That is way too much story to sift through just to get my feet on some space balls.
The soccer pitch is located at the far end of The Farm, past the vendors. Don’t go too far: you will die. I’m not kidding. At least in Destiny 1 it made sense, because you would fall of the edge of a cliff. Here, it’s just some arcane force that descends once you walk past a fence and straight-up murks you.
Next, look for THE BALL.
This is not to be confused with the Traveler, a giant ball in the sky that gives you space magic – or the Moon, another ball, somewhat farther away in the sky, where wizards come from – or a Nova Bomb which, like a giant, purple Liam Neeson, will find you and kill you.
You win by kicking the ball into one of the makeshift goals three times, whereupon fireworks will announce your glorious victory.
Determining which goal counts as “home” and which counts as “away” is difficult, because in a sense, they’re both away, as our home, the Last City, was lost in the opening cutscene. Of course, you could also argue they’re both “home,” since The Farm is the first safe haven we find after our tragic backstory, and it’s also where the vendors are, yo.
Fuck it, this is too confusing. “Home” is the Shaxxward side, because I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M SEEING. “Away” is the Tessward side, because we wish microtransactions would go away. Done!
There isn’t any.
While Destiny 2 has a lot of strengths, I’ll be honest, it does not function particularly well as a soccer game. Of course, a lot of actual soccer games don’t function particularly well as soccer games, so I won’t hold it against D2.
The third-person view often obscures the ball and/or opposing players as you attempt to close in on your target. The pitch isn’t locked during a game, so a random scrub can teabag their way onto the field and directly in front of you at any time. The combination of an oversized ball seemingly inflated with helium and your inability to control the speed, power, and direction of your kicks results in the finest Panenka simulator ever created.
Unless you are in a fireteam with voice-chat, don’t count on much in the way of communication with your teammates, unless you picked up that sweet table-flipping emote to use when you are inevitably defeated by an eight-year old with a bowl cut.
Thanks to the new flexibility of shaders, you do have the capability of dressing your Titan, Warlock, or Hunter up in colors roughly approximating your team’s home kit, so long as said kit also includes enormous pauldrons.
If you want an advanced strategy, here it is: play when no one else is in the area and pray the Panenka gods are kind, because even when competing against thin air, your odds of scoring a goal are 50-50.
Now, on to the most important part.
Sweet, merciless Shaxx, are there a lot of amazing emotes to bust out when you somehow manage to get the ball through the Pearly Gates.
While almost any of them would work, here are a couple I recommend:
Cheer – also works for those who would like to stand and watch games.
Point – at the goal. It’s where you want the ball to go.
Slow clap – this one speaks for itself.
Cry – when you lose. Loser.
Salty – rub it in.
Flip Out – as discussed previously, perfect for that infuriating loss.
Six Shooter – 360 no-scope. Because a ball is round, and . . . you get it? Eh? Eh?
Play Dead – maybe they’ll leave you alone.
Huddle Up – you may not be able to talk to your teammates, but at least you can pretend like you are.
So there you have it. Everything you need to be successful in Destiny 2 (‘s soccer minigame). Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Now: eyes up, guardians. Keep going. All the way up. Straight up. Keep looking directly up at the sky. It’s the only way I’ll manage to score.