MLS Precaps Week 33

Welcome to the penultimate weekend of the MLS season, what a long fucking slog this thing has been and just wait we get 6 more weeks of this thing with the playoffs! Toronto FC has long since locked up the Supporter’s Shield and the #1 seed in the playoffs. But, there is still quite a bit to play for including seeding in both the East and West but also actual playoff spots in the West.

Toronto FC v Montreal Impact – At least the Impact won’t get to screw up the lines dimensions at the Olympic Stadium in the playoffs. Boy that was fucking stupid. TFC is just playing things out to make sure that nobody gets hurt before the playoffs, also they were embarrassed at home the last time these two played losing 5-3. Pretty sure Toronto doesn’t want that to happen again.

New England Revolution v New York City FC  – The Revolution are fucking terrible and are also out of the playoffs and David Villa is chasing Nikolic for the Golden Boot. NYCFC is playing for the first round bye and a win (either this week or next) plus any dropped points by Atlanta will see that happen. NYCFC won the last matchup back in August in New York so the Revs are gonna want to exact some sort of revenge and play spoilers.

Orlando City SC v Columbus Crew – This will be Kaka’s final match in Orlando for OCSC. While he didn’t have the goal scoring record of David Villa or the cultural impact of say David Beckham, he did help OCSC get off the ground, sell out the Citrus Bowl and get that brand spanking, gorgeous, new stadium built in Orlando. OCSC also welcomes back domestic abuser Will Johnson, so, that’s cool. The Crew still have a shot at a home playoff match but need to do some work these last two weeks and hope for a slip up from either Atlanta or the Fire.

Chicago Fire v Philadelphia Union – Nemanja Nikolic retook the Golden Boot lead with just two weeks left to play in the season. The Fire are desperately clinging to the four seed and hosting a first round playoff game or flaming out like the terrible shitty team they are. They also have an outside shot at the three seed if Atlanta slips up at all along the way. The Union are just playing out the string and beat the Fire earlier this year.

NY Red Bulls v Atlanta United – The Red Bulls backdoored their way into the playoffs and are hoping to be the the second shittiest team in the New York/New Jersey Metro Area. Atlanta got some much needed rest after a 0-0 draw on the road in Foxboro and getting embarrassed at home by the Loons. In spite of those two setbacks Atlanta have a fairly firm grasp on a first round match at home and an outside shot at the #2 seed. Let’s see how they fuck this one up on the road in Jersey!

Sporting KC v Houston Dynamo – One of two matchups featuring current Western Conference playoff teams, a third features the current leaders and a team just outside the playoffs. The Dynamo closed the gap on second place KC with a win at home midweek. But Nickelback Park is no BBVA Compass Stadium. Fun Fact: Sporking is the only team in the Western Conference with a goal differential in the double digits. The Western Conference is really fucking bad!

Vancouver Whitecaps v San Jose Earthquakes – Speaking of absolutely dreadful fucking teams. Look no further than the San Jose Earthquakes! This team has the worst goal differential in the Western Conference at -22, only 2 goals better than even DC United! Yet, they are one point out of the 6th and final playoff spot?! There is a very real possibility that they are playing their last match of the year with an outside shot at the playoffs. That is dreadful. For that to happen though they are going to need to get a result at league leaders Vancouver. The Whitecaps with a win would all but lock up the top spot in the West, as both Vancouver and KC go on the road to end the season.

Colorado Rapids v Real Salt Lake – The young talent of RSL and coach Mike Petke combined with FC Dallas’ recent woes have played RSL into playoff contention. RSL needs a result here as they have a home match against Sporting next weekend that could be vital for the Sporks as well. The Rapids can not finish higher than tied for 10th place with Minnesota, so let’s go ahead and chock this season up as an abject failure.

LA Galaxy v Minnesota United FC – The Galaxy are so fucking bad, like Pitbull during a family reunion bad, doubly so at home. The Loons will be looking to exact some revenge from a May defeat in a match they controlled from the get go. Christian Ramirez will also be trying to keep up his spot as the top scoring American striker in MLS.

Seattle Sounders v FC Dallas – Seattle currently sit fourth, but only one spot off second and FC Dallas could use at least a point as they are just one spot ahead of both RSL and the Earthquakes. The Sounders have just one win on in their last five (at home against Vancouver Whitecaps). FC Dallas seemed to have right the ship after losing dramatically to MNUFC three weeks ago, but after beating the Rapids they have managed just two points in their last two matches scoring only one goal. FCD has gotta hope that the teams below them find a way to screw the pooch

Portland Timbers v DC United – The Timbers are currently third and in the best position to steal second from Sporting and perhaps even pipping first place as they host Vancouver next week. DCU are just hoping that they can somehow catch the Galaxy as not the worst team in MLS.

There you have it, enjoy what should be some fun games, not the 4pm slate though. That one is crap!

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