Drunk Hot Takes: The Daves I Know Predict The 2018 MLS Playoffs

Welcome back! If you need the absolutely sloppiest playoff hot takes, this is the post for you, you degenerate. I asked each writer to throw back a bottle of their cheapest tequila and answer four questions:

  • Who will win the East?
  • Who will win the West?
  • Who will win the MLS Cup?
  • What crazy thing will happen that no one expects?

Put on your biggest pot of coffee and grab extra toilet paper, because here we go:

David Martin (fearless leader):
East: Toronto FC
It would be foolish to say anyone other than Toronto FC. They have been the class of the league, the most consistent, and the deepest. That depth, coupled with their formation flexibility, allows them to take on all comers and exploit the weaknesses of opponents. Good Lord, this is a good team.

West: Vancouver Whitecaps FC
The West sucks, and no one has seemed eager either to win the West nor to even make it into the playoffs in the West. The lone exception might be the Vancouver Whitecaps. They have gotten hot at the right time, and sometimes that’s all it takes to be successful in the playoffs.

MLS Cup: Toronto FC
In a match between the Vancouver Whitecaps and Toronto FC for the title of Best Team In America, it’s got to be Toronto. The Reds do not have a positional weakness and even have the depth to weather an injury or suspension. Vancouver relies too heavily on the stars aligning – Bolanos, Montero, Techera all having a good game at the same time – and in a short sample size like playoffs, that just isn’t reliable enough.

Weird: Handstuff
A controversial play will lead to a rule change in the offseason. I don’t know what it will be. Could be a new type of handball we haven’t seen (if an opponent forces a player’s arm into an unnatural position, and a handball is committed, can the player really be faulted?), could be some horseshit like “what if a ball boy keeps throwing more balls onto the pitch to kill time at the end of a match,” but hark: the rules will change.

David Zeller (fearful leader):

East: NYCFC
Toronto likes to find more and more elaborate ways to choke when it matters most, plus David Villa is a fucking handsome dude.

West: Portland
If you give Merrit Paulson a platform to make an ass of himself, he will find a way and it will be glorious.

MLS Cup: NYCFC
Manchester City West will outlast everyone in what is going to be the lowest scoring playoffs of all time.

Weird: Deuces
Someone will get a Clint Dempsey (Goal, Assist, Red Card), shit it might even be Clint Dempsey.

Bridget McDowell (only smart member of staff)

East: Toronto FC
They face Atlanta who, tired of winning and having just been reminded of their mortality by MNUFC, will be easily steamrolled.

West: Portland
The Timbers are happy little trees, that’s why.

MLS Cup: Toronto FC
Because Michael fucking Bradley and Jozy Altidore are pissed off and will claim whatever hardware they can.

Weird: De-crew-pitation
Columbus Crew, playing a ball that bears a strange resemblance to Precourt’s head, will score a good many goals to elevate their goal differential and destabilize the Eastern table.

David Baker (winner of beardiest writer)

East: Toronto FC
This team is ready to buck the trend of Supporters Shield winners exiting early from the playoffs.

West: Portland?
Question mark? The West is so weird and none of the teams can seem to string consecutive wins together. But Portland knows how to get it done.

MLS Cup: Portland
Portland win MLS Cup number two just to prove that they’re better than Seattle.

Weird: Crew-tiny
Columbus Crew players refuse to play and their opponent advances on a forfeit.

Collin Solberg (the most humblest writer ever)

East: Atlanta United FC
In a big money battle between Toronto and Atlanta, the winner is money.

West: Sporting KC
The west is boring and SKC’s defense is really really really good…and boring.

MLS Cup: Atlanta United FC
Its pretty much written in stone that Atlanta will win so MNUFC’s expansion season will forever be compared to Atlanta’s.

Weird: Portugone
One of the MLS players that gets called to the USMNT friendly in Portugal will get injured. This will lead to an MLS rule change that MLS players are not allowed to be called up to USMNT games during the playoffs.

 

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