Thank fucking god, soccer is back. I’ve spent most of the offseason masturbating to crappy EPL and Bundesliga goals. Now I get to fuck to the sweet sounds of Giovinco free kicks! It wouldn’t be MLS kick-off weekend without some rematches, so without further ado…
Toronto FC v Columbus Crew – These teams last played in the playoffs last year, wherein Toronto put the beatdown on the Crew. I expect much of the same, thought, the new look Crew are exciting and if certified Right Back Gyasi Zardes can find the back of the net consistently, well then… Toronto wins 2-1.
Houston Dynamo v Atlanta United – It’s not really fair that these two teams meet so early in the season. These are probably two of the most dynamic attacks in the league and that is even considering the Five Stripes are without young sensation Barco. Dynamo win 3-2.
Philadelphia Union v New England Revolution – These teams both suck and this will be the suckiest match of the day. Draw 0-0.
Orlando City v DC United – Oh wait, I spoke too soon. Draw 1-1.
FC Dallas v Real Salt Lake – Two teams that were mostly crap but had half a season where they weren’t. FCD in the first half and RSL in the second half. I think both of these teams are much improved and probable playoff contenders. We’ll see if Pereja can get the yout to gel quickly and if Petke has everyone bought in to what he’s peddling in Mormon country! RSL wins 2-1.
San Jose Earthquakes v MNUFC – (Here’s what I wrote last year) San Jose controls their destiny and a shot at the sixth seed in the playoffs, despite holding a -22 goal differential, because MLS is fucking stupid! San Jose beat MNUFC back in April thanks to a Florian Jungwirth goal. San Jose will be looking to get back to the playoffs for the first time since 2012. San Jose wins 2-0.
Yep not much has changed San Jose 3-1.
Seattle Sounders v LAFC – The American Pharaoh is back ladies and gentlemen! Benghazi Bob himself! Let’s look past the fact that LAFC has like 13 players on their roster, because those first 11 are very good. The Sounders didn’t do much in the offseason and that might hurt them with the Jordan Morris injury. Long haul the Sounders are probably fucked, but for this match, let’s just say Bada-bing Bob is not getting a fun MLS reunion. Sounders win 4-0.
Vancouver Whitecaps v Montreal Impact – A good old Canadian Derby (or should i say Darby). Last year Montreal had the classic Montreal Meltdown (TM) that all Minnesota soccer fans know and expect year after year. It’s as timely as a person who is always on time. The Meltdown won’t happen until later this year, but it doesn’t really matter. The Whitecaps are improved from a very good team last year and should very much wipe the floor with Les Quebecois. Whitecaps win 3-1.
Sporting KC v NYCFC – Outside of the TFC-Crew match this might be the best game of the weekend. Both of these teams are relatively the same, minus one big piece each. Both of the se teams have high aspirations for the season. Since they are playing in KC it will be a drab fucking match. Draw 1-1.
LA Galaxy v Portland Timbers – Not many teams made as many changes as LA Galaxy. The Timbers lost Darlington Nagbe sending him to Atlanta. The best team in the West last year versus the worst team. Let’s just say I think these teams are trading positions this year. LA Galaxy win 2-1.
Well there you have it. Your amazing, already correct scores. I just saved you a shit ton of time. Don’t forget to check out our 2018 predictions here these are 100% correct predictions.