“New year, new kits!” – every team’s PR chief, probably.
2018 is no different in offering us a spread of kits in every shade and hue. Broadly speaking, they fall into three categories: the good, the bad, and the boring. Here are my 2018 new kit rankings, starting, as it were, at the bottom.
The Bad
Atlanta United
The new secondary kit leans hard into the city’s peachy identity, which is admirable in a way. From an aesthetic perspective, however, I offer this counterpoint: no. Also, the assorted gray textures on the jersey give it a permanently dirty look.
Columbus Crew SC
This looks like the kit color scheme was picked by a death metal band. And not a good one. #SaveTheCrewFromDepression
Chicago Fire
Like Atlanta, Chicago took a literal approach to their color scheme. What if fans of the Chicago Fire, and stick with me on this, wanted to set fire to their awful jerseys? It is not a very interesting choice.
FC Dallas
Is this a fishing bobber which I see before me?
D.C. United
So many stripes, so little shirt. Also, for what it’s worth, vertical stripes lend a person a slimming effect while horizontal stripes make a person look fatter. Adjust your wardrobes accordingly.
New York Red Bulls
New York is here to tell you that the Chicago Fire don’t own the color red, man. I suppose when “red” is literally in your team name you have to have it, but ye gods, this is too much fucking red.
Houston Dynamo
Most of this jersey is blah, but then you get to the the banded colors across the middle that look like the flag of an Eastern European country you can’t pronounce full of Russian bot farms and Nazi wannabes.
Los Angeles Football Club
Naturally, everyone got to enjoy two kits from expansion side Los Angeles Football Club. Unfortunately, both of them suck and, when viewed online, give the false impression that the image is actually an embedded YouTube video. We’d like to click “Skip Ad” on this one.
LA Galaxy
Jesus Christ, we have got to get some better sponsors in the MLS. The sash is the only redeeming feature here.
The Boring
New York City FC
Gray and blandly inoffensive. Also, what is an “Active Driveway” Next.
Sporting Kansas City
“I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite secondary jersey of 2018.” While this does look remarkably like the protagonist’s N7 armor from the Mass Effect series, none of the words in the previous sentence are true.
Real Salt Lake
This primary kit is Real boring.
Toronto FC
Come on, Toronto. I know you’re from Canada, and I know these are your alternate jerseys, but could you at least try not to be so fucking dull?
Vancouver Whitecaps FC
God damn it, Vancouver, I just had this conversation with Toronto!
Orlando City SC
[yawn emoji]
Portland Timbers
It’s clean, I guess? And very white. One of these two statements is also true of Portland the city. I’ll let you guess which one.
The Good
Philadelphia Union
I tell you what: at the very least, Philadelphia’s new primary look is a welcome respite from the monochromatic sea of almost all the other 2018 jerseys. I don’t know if I can fully commit to the colors, but I respect the boldness. I’m not sure how the players feel about being emblazoned with the word “bimbo,” but to each their own.
Colorado Rapids
The burgundy is pleasant and contrasts well with the stripes, although the rest of it is fairly mundane. The tiny state flag is a nice touch, however.
San Jose Earthquakes
San Jose hasn’t always made the best showing when it comes to branding and marketing, but I’ll give them this one. I like the alternate kit here. The zig-zags have just enough variation to pop at a distance and it’s a fun visual pun on the team name.
Seattle Sounders FC
As much as I would enjoy seeing Seattle make a red ring of death joke at some point, this is a perfectly fine home kit. Nothing too extravagant, but nothing to make one gouge out the eyes either.
Minnesota United FC
Now here is a sexy number I can get behind. The new primary kit’s wide gray stripes are actually visible from the stands, and the use of the Target logo instead of name is a clever, more tasteful choice.
Montreal Impact
This isn’t even a new kit, Montreal. Boooo! BOOOO!
In seriousness, however, I like a lot about their primary kit, which I suppose technically counts given that it received a few minor updates . . . well, aside from the inexplicable ass stripes.
New England Revolution
I wasn’t initially sold on this, but the jersey has grown on me. The overall color scheme is visually appealing and the two differently-hued stripes give a nice pop without being overwhelming.
Well, there you have it: the Casual take on the new 2018 kits. What are your thoughts? Don’t bother sharing them, as you are undoubtedly wrong.
